Within four months this summer, I traveled twice to Italy with my husband. The first time was with a tour group. And the second time was for my nephew's wedding and celebration. Traveling this much is very unusual for us and probably won't happen again in quite the same way in our lifetime. The best thing about it was that it helped me to overcome some fears that I have and don't confront on a regular basis. Here are some of those in no particular order: 1. Fear of being lost or left behind alone 2. Fear of asking for directions, especially in another language. 3. Fear of dying in a plane crash or other means of travel (well ok, aren't we all?) 4. Fear of social interaction. 5. Fear of being trapped.
1. I still remember what it was like when I was lost. I was four years old and our family was in California. We were at Marine Land, which is like SeaWorld. I was peering into an aquarium watching fish swim. When I turned around I realized that my entire family had left me. I panicked. My family was no where to be seen and I had no idea where they had gone or how to find them. I don't know if I cried. I can't remember. What I do remember is that a man asked me if I was lost. I said I was and he took to someone behind closed glass (much like the aquarium) with someone who had a microphone. An announcement was made. My mother came and got me and led me to where the rest of the family sat in bleachers watching a sea life show. The disconcerting thing to me, even to this day, is no one had noticed that I was missing. I was the youngest with four older brothers and my absence wasn't noted until it was announced over the intercom. And when I returned, no one acknowledged that I had even been gone.
Many years later, I would attend USU for months at a time before returning home to Orem for a visit. I would enter the house and sit down in the family room. An older sibling might enter the room and say something like, "oh how long have you been here?" Again, it seemed to me that my place in the family was just like when I was four--kind of unnoticed. I'm sure it wasn't quite the way it seemed. I came from a good family, but the truth is that I felt lost. I felt unneeded and even though good sense told me, I was wanted (after all I was the only girl and my mother had told me she rejoiced along with the whole neighborhood when I was born), it didn't really seem that way with four older brothers who overshadowed me. What I did learn though was how to stick up for myself, have strong opinions, take care of myself in all situations, and don't rely on anyone to rescue me.
I don't have a good sense of direction in spite of the fact that my dad's sense of direction was so keen that he could tell when my mom made a wrong turn in the car even while he was lying on the back seat with his eyes closed, sick from an illness that made him very dizzy and nauseated. Once as a young adult I drove completely the wrong direction in Denver and instead of ending up in Golden where my aunt lived, ended up at Lowry Army base. I've gotten lost so many time coming out of the bathroom in a building and turning the wrong way, I've lost count. Sometimes I wonder if my fear of getting lost, makes it worse. Google helps a lot. Except when it doesn't. You know what I mean. I could and have keep my fear of doing things, but then I would miss out on seeing so much of the world. And my track rate of eventually finding my way is 100%. Pretty good odds.
2. Fear of asking directions. I know this is usually attributed to men. And my husband must have this same problem too, because we will often go the wrong way or get on the wrong bus etc. rather than ask someone for directions. I have no traumatic childhood memory to attribute this to. I think it comes from my general introverted personality. Asking anything is difficult for me--which most people who know me will have a hard time believing, because I can SEEM bold, sometimes brash, and as a former bishop said, "brutally honest." It's all a front for my fear of speaking up and out. So in Italy when it was either stay where we were, which is no where that we were supposed to be, I finally went up to a bus driver and asked him in English how to get somewhere. He didn't understand English, but understood that we needed help. This was in Rome, where I hear this is unusual, but he got out of his bus and walked us to where we needed to go to catch the right bus. If it hadn't been for my going against my fear, we might never have found the Airbnb we were staying at before we met up with the tour group.
3. Fear of dying in a crash of some kind. The truth is that I have less fear of flying than I do of car travel, which makes sense because it is safer, but the odds of surviving a plane crash verses a car crash are much less. So going up, up, up, only means you would go down, down, down into either land or ocean--either not so good. And the little life vest to blow into in case of a water crash is not in the least comforting. Once when we were on a plane, the plane hit a flock of birds and an engine went out. When it happened, I swore out loud, so I actually know what my last words would have been or would be if such a thing were to happen and they wouldn't make my mother proud.
4. Fear of social interaction: For all the teachers who got after me, which were many, for talking too much--I know you won't believe this, but I'm fearful of talking, but it's talking to strangers and not friends. IN fifth grade my teacher promised me a soda pop in the teacher's lounge if I could go the rest of the day without talking. The idea was so exciting to me that I put a piece of masking tape over my mouth, so I would feel it if I started to talk. Guess what, after school I was sharing bottled orange soda with this teacher. One of my best school memories.
When you are traveling and interacting on a tour, or at wedding celebrations, talking and socializing with strangers is a big part of things. I would much rather disappear and watch people rather than talk to them. Sometimes that's ok, but often interacting is required of social beings. Sometimes, I just pretend that I'm not afraid and start talking and listening. It really is a great way to find that people are people and friends can be found all over the world. I admire my daughter and daughter-in-law because they can strike up a conversation with anyone, even my friends, and find out more in minutes than I know with people I have know for many years.
5. Fear of being trapped or claustrophobia and fear of the dark: This sometimes is a big deal and sometimes not such a big deal, but over the years it has caused me some distress. See, when I was a really little girl, sorry brothers, I'm going to throw you under the bus once again, my brothers (but mostly one brother) would put me in a dark hallway shut all the doors and pinch me and tell me rats were getting me. I think I was three years old. My fear was not so much rats, but not being able to get away, or out, when bad things are happening. So later in the Art Barn at USU (pottery department) a guy closed the door and held it when I went into a very tiny room with no windows to get some glaze materials. I'm sure he had no idea why I started screaming when I couldn't get out. All those rats or other bad things that happen in the dark came back to me and I didn't cope too well. While in Italy, in Vols em Schlern, Mick and I hiked up at night, with only the flashlight of our iphones to the top of a hill that overlooked a charming town. I wasn't trapped, but it was dark and there were unknowns, like goats, fences, and enormous milk cows.
Recently, I just turned 60. And now I've added a few fears and managed to overcome a few more. I'm hoping that fear will never keep me from stepping forward into the unknown. You never know when you may make a friend, discover a new place, maybe even the best place in your life, or find a serendipitous adventure. Or find strengths you didn't know you had.
